Analyzing those thoughts as I write this. Some of that I attribute to my level of intimacy with my Superhero husband. We talk. Alot. I have learned to express myself better in the last year. learning to use my verbal words more which has translated into using my typed words less. I am sure this is a healthier reality for me personally, but am I neglecting the sharing part of this journey?
It's easy to forget sometimes the many people who relate to the road I am traveling down and appreciate the transparency that is shared when I write. I dont try to pretty myself up, or hide my flaws. I tend to share in a raw manner that lets you see the humanity inside of me, not set myself up as unapproachable or unreachable. Honestly, for the first time in my life, I truly am satisfied. There is a comfort and safety in not looking for anything in anyone or anyplace. I am not searching for the next step. I am content with where I stand, where I am going and how I am getting there. Thats a big statement from someone who has been driven by discontent. The thing that motivated me forward was often an acute sense of something MORE. I no longer feel that emptiness, that need inside. I do not however want to become complacent in my standing.
I remember the day God quietly asked me if I would stand. I said yes. I wonder if we knew what we were agreeing to if the answers would change? When I said yes, I had my own idea what I was agreeing to. What I was standing for and what it would look like when I was done. Not one thing I thought I was signing up for was correct. Instead, the end result has been awe inspiring. Unthinkable to me really. Not anything as I had envisioned or even imagined. While so very different, its also been very right.
Along with standing, came accepting. Accepting that Gods plan often bears no resemblance to our vision or plan. But that in and of itself can be a blessing. Taking us out of the understanding we have, moving our feet to unseen places. God sees with Godvision. We see with Manvision. How much better does he see than we do? I sit back in intense gratitude at the place I stand right now. It a place that feels complete. Foreign, yet familiar. A place I knew I desired to stand with the blissful lack of knowledge of the loss, sacrifice and pain it would take to obtain it. I am grateful he didn't give me details. I might have said no. Instead, I stand in the best yes possible. I am grateful.
