02.07.2017 - Its all good in the hood

Dont settle for less than you deserve. If you have sowed top level organic relationships and in its place has grown stunted unhealthy imitations that are only good for a bargin bin, mark it down, clear it out, trim the vine and allow GOD to grow something that reflects his glory.

Its not personal really. That's not true. Its intensely personal. There is a place where you go that you realize there is no need to compromise. There is no need to pretend things are other than what they are. Things change and that's OK. People change and that's OK too. The thing that's not OK is pretending that none of those things happen. So tonight I am embracing a loss. I will not cloak it in lukewarm descriptions or glowing coverups. Its done. AND THAT'S OK! Because the things that remain are so much better if in nothing else except the realness of its existence.

I sat tonight and for two hours heard God reveal things to me that I was unable to understand before tonight. Realization on reality of relationships, things in the past. Things that molded me and created me. In the light that God shined on that circumstance in conversation tonight, I saw myself so clearly. I say my desire to never give up. To not accept no. To compromise the dignity and the honor I deserve as a person to life someone else up even when their actions do not honor or support my own needs and health. This has been a comman theme in my life always. This has led to toxic circumstances and things that have drained the life from me. I would pour out EVERYTHING I was in order to honor who I believed someone else to be. I would sacrifice my own identity if on some level I could see that there was a place of honor that I could restore someone I cared about to. I was willing always to put myself last and them first.

If you dont know me you might chuckle at that paragraph and along with many who have a superficial knowlege of who and what I am assume that the Rockstar Barb, the one who puts on concerts and events and smiles and wins always is catered to and loved unconditionally and never serves anyone else. You would be very wrong about WHO I AM.

What my husband pointed out to me in love tonight was a truth God revealed to me about myself through the love and stedfastness of my husband.

What you do, is not WHO YOU ARE. -Jerry Ward 2014-2017

When he would first say this to me so long ago I would look at him as if he were speakiong a foriegn language. I was sure he had no idea who I was if he thought this was truth. Because I too created my identify from what I did, as much as everyone around me did. Then one day this guy entered into my life and decided to not accept that reality for me even if I desired to accepted myself.

Slowly and consistently he held this mirror up before me and revealed to me the person HE SAW when he looked at me, and one day, when I looked in the mirror I too saw a completely different person that I had seen MY ENTIRE LIFE.

That one thing. That one small thing you may thing. Did you know that one thing changed my life? That one thing set me FREE. That one thing led me to make the bold declaration in my life that

I did not come this far. I did not go through this pain. I did not stretch every limit I had in order to accept that THIS is what love looked like.

And in that moment, I decided I could choose me. I could choose who I knew God saw me as. I could choose the destiny he had for me and I did not have to apologize, I did not have to consider those who would not walk that walk with me because he would send every single thing I needed to walk that walk with me. AND HE DID.

So why am I writing all this tonight? Who am I writing to? I am writing me. I am reminding me that I am better than this. I deserve more loyalty. I deserve to be treasured and loved and appreciated and I deserve friends and loved ones who choose me EVERYTIME.

Because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I let a wild unruly weed grow in my garden because I worked really hard to train it. To love it. To help it be better. And at the end of the day its just a weed. And it needs to go.

AND THATS OK.

03.24.2017 - Just being real

I am sad tonight. I don’t often post things that aren’t upbeat, happy or about Jesus. But I remind myself that there is value in being human and real. I have struggled all week with a mess of a situation created by someone I take care of and love. I have tried a million ways to solve the mess that was made. There was no help to be had, nothing but frustration, and every single thing I did to help made a new problem.

I have a tendency to try too hard. To work too much. To dig for a solution until I find something that works. I taught my class Tuesday to a roomful of people, and I told them that in the process of my healing, the long road I walked to being whole I was faced with some truth. The truth about my own tendency to be an outcome manipulator. I have a destination that is in my sights and I may not know HOW I am going to reach it, but I do know that I have to reach it no matter what. Even when its not a HEALTHY thing for me, because I tend to get fixated on the task. Why do I do this? Well I suppose its because I, like all of you, remain human.

In Barbs perfect world, everyone loves each other. Everyone trusts each other. Everyone gives, and everyone takes. All things are reciprocal. I don't like to step back from people I care about. I don’t like letting them fall to whatever level they have chosen for whatever reason or damage that is inside of them.

At the first of the year God showed Jerry and I the REVIVAL We have both searched for our entire life. When we first got together, the very first shared vision was given to us. I don;t get a lot of “prophetic” moments in my life, but this was really mind-blowing because We both saw exactly the same thing and did not share those details. Since that time, we have occasionally had this phenomenal thing happen over and over. As we have gotten deeper in the anointing and gone to higher and higher levels sometimes we plateau for a bit, and every time that happens, God reveals something inside of me that I need to deal with. I have systematically been cleaning the corners of my house and getting everything that may possibly come between me and God.

I stand in one of those moments now. A moment where I see crystal clear that there is only one real answer and solution to the situation I am looking at, and to be quite honest I don’t like it one little bit.

So I am sitting here, looking at it. Wondering..I spin it around, look at it and wonder. Then I do it again and again and again. The view never changes and seems to always end on the same number. So tonight I am working on acceptance. I haven't found it yet. But I am turning in that direction.

I am “pressing toward the mark, of the prize of High Calling in Christ JESUS!”

I love this scripture with everything in me. Its the key to what we are supposed to look at when the circumstances around us is not lining up with THE PLAN.

So this blog is a gentle reminder to myself that I am not magic. I cannot fix everything or everyone. And some real talk so that you too understand that life happens to all of us. Not just you. But to me too. And even though, I know, my life in him is beyond anything I could ever imagine. I am free, and I am full of joy! In the end I will win. Its his promise!

03.27.2017 - 6 years ago...

Six years ago, in 2011, I started a journey that landed me exactly where I stand today....I want to share a blog from this day six years ago...lest I forget....

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In the past 24 hours, the strangest thing has happened to me. My mind is flooded with music. It has been silent for years. A necessity possibly, for my sanity. I woke up this morning with a song in my head....

"Open the eyes of my heart lord, Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see you....I want to see you....."

I ran into the living room and type the chorus out..so i would not forget. The words from thousands of songs are competing for my attention as I let them flow and pray about the message God is trying to tell me. Its been along time since I listened closely and answered. He has a lot to say.

There was a time, when any sentence spoken to me would trigger a song in my head. Music was my life, and very air I breathed. I know thousands of songs by heart, in my soul. Thankfully the gifts of God abide, they do not run away because you haven't worked out your calling. The calling of God is without repentance. You can put it aside, as I have for a season, but when he lines the universe up for you, and says go...you really just have to step in that direction.

I began reading one of my favorite books last night. The God Chasers. Its a book I studied extensively in a former life. I am reading it again, with new eyes. A new look at how this powerful teaching can apply to me, and so many like me. Stripping away the tradition i was bound down with for so long and in its place, simply looking at the words with a love filter. It opens so many doors.

I once shared a message about the woman with the alabaster box to our congregation. It seems so appropriate right now. God revealed so much to me through this story and the sacrifice of love that she made in washing Jesus feet with her offering of praise and sacrifice. A true worshiper. She got it. The people around her never did.

You may read this and wonder...what is this? Who is this person writing these things? Well the answer is this. You never really knew me. Not really. Its not your fault. Its just the way life happens sometimes. I am not a person to be putting myself out on the line if I am not ready to step up to that line myself. I have been away for a season. I am back. You may decide that I am not the person you thought you knew. You might not like this person. But that's OK. I am still me. I am still the person you know. I am just walking a different path. A wide path, that has room for you on it if you would like to join me. If not, that's OK. But it is my path. The one I have always been on. And its OK to be who I am. And its OK for you to be who you are.

To the people who have wondered where I have been, I say this. God and I have never parted ways. We have talked. We have argued. We have struggled with each other. But never once, not for one minute did I turn my back on God. I simply walked away from the Church for a season. Until there was a door placed in front of me to walk through. And when it was clear this is the door that GOD placed in my road, I was not taking a step. This has happened for me now, and I am sharing it with you. No apology. Its just my truth.

Stay tuned. A change is coming in Redding like you have never seen. Its time!

11.04.2010 - Its been a short year

So apparently I cant commit.  I cant commit to a daily blog or a daily random act of self service..  I made five days before I got swept out to sea by the waves.  Ah well.  Perhaps I can recommit later......