I am sad tonight. I don’t often post things that aren’t upbeat, happy or about Jesus. But I remind myself that there is value in being human and real. I have struggled all week with a mess of a situation created by someone I take care of and love. I have tried a million ways to solve the mess that was made. There was no help to be had, nothing but frustration, and every single thing I did to help made a new problem.
I have a tendency to try too hard. To work too much. To dig for a solution until I find something that works. I taught my class Tuesday to a roomful of people, and I told them that in the process of my healing, the long road I walked to being whole I was faced with some truth. The truth about my own tendency to be an outcome manipulator. I have a destination that is in my sights and I may not know HOW I am going to reach it, but I do know that I have to reach it no matter what. Even when its not a HEALTHY thing for me, because I tend to get fixated on the task. Why do I do this? Well I suppose its because I, like all of you, remain human.
In Barbs perfect world, everyone loves each other. Everyone trusts each other. Everyone gives, and everyone takes. All things are reciprocal. I don't like to step back from people I care about. I don’t like letting them fall to whatever level they have chosen for whatever reason or damage that is inside of them.
At the first of the year God showed Jerry and I the REVIVAL We have both searched for our entire life. When we first got together, the very first shared vision was given to us. I don;t get a lot of “prophetic” moments in my life, but this was really mind-blowing because We both saw exactly the same thing and did not share those details. Since that time, we have occasionally had this phenomenal thing happen over and over. As we have gotten deeper in the anointing and gone to higher and higher levels sometimes we plateau for a bit, and every time that happens, God reveals something inside of me that I need to deal with. I have systematically been cleaning the corners of my house and getting everything that may possibly come between me and God.
I stand in one of those moments now. A moment where I see crystal clear that there is only one real answer and solution to the situation I am looking at, and to be quite honest I don’t like it one little bit.
So I am sitting here, looking at it. Wondering..I spin it around, look at it and wonder. Then I do it again and again and again. The view never changes and seems to always end on the same number. So tonight I am working on acceptance. I haven't found it yet. But I am turning in that direction.
I am “pressing toward the mark, of the prize of High Calling in Christ JESUS!”
I love this scripture with everything in me. Its the key to what we are supposed to look at when the circumstances around us is not lining up with THE PLAN.
So this blog is a gentle reminder to myself that I am not magic. I cannot fix everything or everyone. And some real talk so that you too understand that life happens to all of us. Not just you. But to me too. And even though, I know, my life in him is beyond anything I could ever imagine. I am free, and I am full of joy! In the end I will win. Its his promise!
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