Dont settle for less than you deserve. If you have sowed top level organic relationships and in its place has grown stunted unhealthy imitations that are only good for a bargin bin, mark it down, clear it out, trim the vine and allow GOD to grow something that reflects his glory.
Its not personal really. That's not true. Its intensely personal. There is a place where you go that you realize there is no need to compromise. There is no need to pretend things are other than what they are. Things change and that's OK. People change and that's OK too. The thing that's not OK is pretending that none of those things happen. So tonight I am embracing a loss. I will not cloak it in lukewarm descriptions or glowing coverups. Its done. AND THAT'S OK! Because the things that remain are so much better if in nothing else except the realness of its existence.
I sat tonight and for two hours heard God reveal things to me that I was unable to understand before tonight. Realization on reality of relationships, things in the past. Things that molded me and created me. In the light that God shined on that circumstance in conversation tonight, I saw myself so clearly. I say my desire to never give up. To not accept no. To compromise the dignity and the honor I deserve as a person to life someone else up even when their actions do not honor or support my own needs and health. This has been a comman theme in my life always. This has led to toxic circumstances and things that have drained the life from me. I would pour out EVERYTHING I was in order to honor who I believed someone else to be. I would sacrifice my own identity if on some level I could see that there was a place of honor that I could restore someone I cared about to. I was willing always to put myself last and them first.
If you dont know me you might chuckle at that paragraph and along with many who have a superficial knowlege of who and what I am assume that the Rockstar Barb, the one who puts on concerts and events and smiles and wins always is catered to and loved unconditionally and never serves anyone else. You would be very wrong about WHO I AM.
What my husband pointed out to me in love tonight was a truth God revealed to me about myself through the love and stedfastness of my husband.
What you do, is not WHO YOU ARE. -Jerry Ward 2014-2017
When he would first say this to me so long ago I would look at him as if he were speakiong a foriegn language. I was sure he had no idea who I was if he thought this was truth. Because I too created my identify from what I did, as much as everyone around me did. Then one day this guy entered into my life and decided to not accept that reality for me even if I desired to accepted myself.
Slowly and consistently he held this mirror up before me and revealed to me the person HE SAW when he looked at me, and one day, when I looked in the mirror I too saw a completely different person that I had seen MY ENTIRE LIFE.
That one thing. That one small thing you may thing. Did you know that one thing changed my life? That one thing set me FREE. That one thing led me to make the bold declaration in my life that
I did not come this far. I did not go through this pain. I did not stretch every limit I had in order to accept that THIS is what love looked like.
And in that moment, I decided I could choose me. I could choose who I knew God saw me as. I could choose the destiny he had for me and I did not have to apologize, I did not have to consider those who would not walk that walk with me because he would send every single thing I needed to walk that walk with me. AND HE DID.
So why am I writing all this tonight? Who am I writing to? I am writing me. I am reminding me that I am better than this. I deserve more loyalty. I deserve to be treasured and loved and appreciated and I deserve friends and loved ones who choose me EVERYTIME.
Because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I let a wild unruly weed grow in my garden because I worked really hard to train it. To love it. To help it be better. And at the end of the day its just a weed. And it needs to go.
AND THATS OK.
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