02.07.2017 - Its all good in the hood

Dont settle for less than you deserve. If you have sowed top level organic relationships and in its place has grown stunted unhealthy imitations that are only good for a bargin bin, mark it down, clear it out, trim the vine and allow GOD to grow something that reflects his glory.

Its not personal really. That's not true. Its intensely personal. There is a place where you go that you realize there is no need to compromise. There is no need to pretend things are other than what they are. Things change and that's OK. People change and that's OK too. The thing that's not OK is pretending that none of those things happen. So tonight I am embracing a loss. I will not cloak it in lukewarm descriptions or glowing coverups. Its done. AND THAT'S OK! Because the things that remain are so much better if in nothing else except the realness of its existence.

I sat tonight and for two hours heard God reveal things to me that I was unable to understand before tonight. Realization on reality of relationships, things in the past. Things that molded me and created me. In the light that God shined on that circumstance in conversation tonight, I saw myself so clearly. I say my desire to never give up. To not accept no. To compromise the dignity and the honor I deserve as a person to life someone else up even when their actions do not honor or support my own needs and health. This has been a comman theme in my life always. This has led to toxic circumstances and things that have drained the life from me. I would pour out EVERYTHING I was in order to honor who I believed someone else to be. I would sacrifice my own identity if on some level I could see that there was a place of honor that I could restore someone I cared about to. I was willing always to put myself last and them first.

If you dont know me you might chuckle at that paragraph and along with many who have a superficial knowlege of who and what I am assume that the Rockstar Barb, the one who puts on concerts and events and smiles and wins always is catered to and loved unconditionally and never serves anyone else. You would be very wrong about WHO I AM.

What my husband pointed out to me in love tonight was a truth God revealed to me about myself through the love and stedfastness of my husband.

What you do, is not WHO YOU ARE. -Jerry Ward 2014-2017

When he would first say this to me so long ago I would look at him as if he were speakiong a foriegn language. I was sure he had no idea who I was if he thought this was truth. Because I too created my identify from what I did, as much as everyone around me did. Then one day this guy entered into my life and decided to not accept that reality for me even if I desired to accepted myself.

Slowly and consistently he held this mirror up before me and revealed to me the person HE SAW when he looked at me, and one day, when I looked in the mirror I too saw a completely different person that I had seen MY ENTIRE LIFE.

That one thing. That one small thing you may thing. Did you know that one thing changed my life? That one thing set me FREE. That one thing led me to make the bold declaration in my life that

I did not come this far. I did not go through this pain. I did not stretch every limit I had in order to accept that THIS is what love looked like.

And in that moment, I decided I could choose me. I could choose who I knew God saw me as. I could choose the destiny he had for me and I did not have to apologize, I did not have to consider those who would not walk that walk with me because he would send every single thing I needed to walk that walk with me. AND HE DID.

So why am I writing all this tonight? Who am I writing to? I am writing me. I am reminding me that I am better than this. I deserve more loyalty. I deserve to be treasured and loved and appreciated and I deserve friends and loved ones who choose me EVERYTIME.

Because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I let a wild unruly weed grow in my garden because I worked really hard to train it. To love it. To help it be better. And at the end of the day its just a weed. And it needs to go.

AND THATS OK.

03.24.2017 - Just being real

I am sad tonight. I don’t often post things that aren’t upbeat, happy or about Jesus. But I remind myself that there is value in being human and real. I have struggled all week with a mess of a situation created by someone I take care of and love. I have tried a million ways to solve the mess that was made. There was no help to be had, nothing but frustration, and every single thing I did to help made a new problem.

I have a tendency to try too hard. To work too much. To dig for a solution until I find something that works. I taught my class Tuesday to a roomful of people, and I told them that in the process of my healing, the long road I walked to being whole I was faced with some truth. The truth about my own tendency to be an outcome manipulator. I have a destination that is in my sights and I may not know HOW I am going to reach it, but I do know that I have to reach it no matter what. Even when its not a HEALTHY thing for me, because I tend to get fixated on the task. Why do I do this? Well I suppose its because I, like all of you, remain human.

In Barbs perfect world, everyone loves each other. Everyone trusts each other. Everyone gives, and everyone takes. All things are reciprocal. I don't like to step back from people I care about. I don’t like letting them fall to whatever level they have chosen for whatever reason or damage that is inside of them.

At the first of the year God showed Jerry and I the REVIVAL We have both searched for our entire life. When we first got together, the very first shared vision was given to us. I don;t get a lot of “prophetic” moments in my life, but this was really mind-blowing because We both saw exactly the same thing and did not share those details. Since that time, we have occasionally had this phenomenal thing happen over and over. As we have gotten deeper in the anointing and gone to higher and higher levels sometimes we plateau for a bit, and every time that happens, God reveals something inside of me that I need to deal with. I have systematically been cleaning the corners of my house and getting everything that may possibly come between me and God.

I stand in one of those moments now. A moment where I see crystal clear that there is only one real answer and solution to the situation I am looking at, and to be quite honest I don’t like it one little bit.

So I am sitting here, looking at it. Wondering..I spin it around, look at it and wonder. Then I do it again and again and again. The view never changes and seems to always end on the same number. So tonight I am working on acceptance. I haven't found it yet. But I am turning in that direction.

I am “pressing toward the mark, of the prize of High Calling in Christ JESUS!”

I love this scripture with everything in me. Its the key to what we are supposed to look at when the circumstances around us is not lining up with THE PLAN.

So this blog is a gentle reminder to myself that I am not magic. I cannot fix everything or everyone. And some real talk so that you too understand that life happens to all of us. Not just you. But to me too. And even though, I know, my life in him is beyond anything I could ever imagine. I am free, and I am full of joy! In the end I will win. Its his promise!

03.27.2017 - 6 years ago...

Six years ago, in 2011, I started a journey that landed me exactly where I stand today....I want to share a blog from this day six years ago...lest I forget....

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In the past 24 hours, the strangest thing has happened to me. My mind is flooded with music. It has been silent for years. A necessity possibly, for my sanity. I woke up this morning with a song in my head....

"Open the eyes of my heart lord, Open the eyes of my heart. I want to see you....I want to see you....."

I ran into the living room and type the chorus out..so i would not forget. The words from thousands of songs are competing for my attention as I let them flow and pray about the message God is trying to tell me. Its been along time since I listened closely and answered. He has a lot to say.

There was a time, when any sentence spoken to me would trigger a song in my head. Music was my life, and very air I breathed. I know thousands of songs by heart, in my soul. Thankfully the gifts of God abide, they do not run away because you haven't worked out your calling. The calling of God is without repentance. You can put it aside, as I have for a season, but when he lines the universe up for you, and says go...you really just have to step in that direction.

I began reading one of my favorite books last night. The God Chasers. Its a book I studied extensively in a former life. I am reading it again, with new eyes. A new look at how this powerful teaching can apply to me, and so many like me. Stripping away the tradition i was bound down with for so long and in its place, simply looking at the words with a love filter. It opens so many doors.

I once shared a message about the woman with the alabaster box to our congregation. It seems so appropriate right now. God revealed so much to me through this story and the sacrifice of love that she made in washing Jesus feet with her offering of praise and sacrifice. A true worshiper. She got it. The people around her never did.

You may read this and wonder...what is this? Who is this person writing these things? Well the answer is this. You never really knew me. Not really. Its not your fault. Its just the way life happens sometimes. I am not a person to be putting myself out on the line if I am not ready to step up to that line myself. I have been away for a season. I am back. You may decide that I am not the person you thought you knew. You might not like this person. But that's OK. I am still me. I am still the person you know. I am just walking a different path. A wide path, that has room for you on it if you would like to join me. If not, that's OK. But it is my path. The one I have always been on. And its OK to be who I am. And its OK for you to be who you are.

To the people who have wondered where I have been, I say this. God and I have never parted ways. We have talked. We have argued. We have struggled with each other. But never once, not for one minute did I turn my back on God. I simply walked away from the Church for a season. Until there was a door placed in front of me to walk through. And when it was clear this is the door that GOD placed in my road, I was not taking a step. This has happened for me now, and I am sharing it with you. No apology. Its just my truth.

Stay tuned. A change is coming in Redding like you have never seen. Its time!

11.04.2010 - Its been a short year

So apparently I cant commit.  I cant commit to a daily blog or a daily random act of self service..  I made five days before I got swept out to sea by the waves.  Ah well.  Perhaps I can recommit later......

Less is more

I haven't blogged in a while. I paused for a moment as I wrote those words. I wonder why? Writing for me is very cathartic. It allows me to release pressure, emotions that I do not express well otherwise. Something inherently has changed.

Analyzing those thoughts as I write this. Some of that I attribute to my level of intimacy with my Superhero husband. We talk. Alot. I have learned to express myself better in the last year. learning to use my verbal words more which has translated into using my typed words less. I am sure this is a healthier reality for me personally, but am I neglecting the sharing part of this journey?

It's easy to forget sometimes the many people who relate to the road I am traveling down and appreciate the transparency that is shared when I write. I dont try to pretty myself up, or hide my flaws. I tend to share in a raw manner that lets you see the humanity inside of me, not set myself up as unapproachable or unreachable. Honestly, for the first time in my life, I truly am satisfied. There is a comfort and safety in not looking for anything in anyone or anyplace. I am not searching for the next step. I am content with where I stand, where I am going and how I am getting there. Thats a big statement from someone who has been driven by discontent. The thing that motivated me forward was often an acute sense of something MORE. I no longer feel that emptiness, that need inside. I do not however want to become complacent in my standing.

I remember the day God quietly asked me if I would stand. I said yes. I wonder if we knew what we were agreeing to if the answers would change? When I said yes, I had my own idea what I was agreeing to. What I was standing for and what it would look like when I was done. Not one thing I thought I was signing up for was correct. Instead, the end result has been awe inspiring. Unthinkable to me really. Not anything as I had envisioned or even imagined. While so very different, its also been very right. 

Along with standing, came accepting. Accepting that Gods plan often bears no resemblance to our vision or plan. But that in and of itself can be a blessing. Taking us out of the understanding we have, moving our feet to unseen places. God sees with Godvision. We see with Manvision. How much better does he see than we do? I sit back in intense gratitude at the place I stand right now. It a place that feels complete. Foreign, yet familiar. A place I knew I desired to stand with the blissful lack of knowledge of the loss, sacrifice and pain it would take to obtain it. I am grateful he didn't give me details. I might have said no. Instead, I stand in the best yes possible. I am grateful.

Far above rubies

King James Bible (Cambridge Ed.)
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

I dabble in sales.  I am really good at it.  I do not enjoy it.  Its not a skill set I nurture.  I am forever explaining to people a simple sales concept.  Whatever you are selling is worth exactly what someone will pay for it.  No more.  Even if its worth more to you, it has to have value to the one purchasing it.  If you price it too low, it seems too good to be true, to high and you have exceeded what the market will bear.

I was spending time this morning in my Garden.  Praying.  I have been seeking God on a specific issue in my life.  One of identity and value.  And he really spoke into my spirit this morning regarding this.  He told me this:

You have set your value too low.  You give away what should be precious, hard to find and rare.  You lavish it on people who do not value the gift, and never make deposits into you.  They take, demand more and have no appreciation for the sacrifices made so they can have the things from you they want. If you don't set your value higher, no one else will either.

Ouch.  Well then.  I guess that was really clear.   It really is my fault.  Not in the way I thought, but in a real tangible way that my price tag is simply too low.

Whats the price of your love?  Your care?  Your sacrifice?  Does it reflect the admiration God has for you?  Or are you selling yourself at outlet prices?  BOGO?  Perhaps you need to upsell your line to a better store.  Set yourself as the ruby you are, not the tin ring from the bubble gum machine.

Come with me to Saks,  to Fifth Avenue, where someone of your caliber and value belongs.  You may sit in the window until just the right buyer comes along, a discerning person with great taste and a special place to let you dwell in their lives.  Much better than being placed in a ziplock and thrown on the shelf or in a junk drawer.  You do not belong in the dollar store,  your price is far above rubies....

God's Megaphone

Wednesday I was blessed to lead worship for our midweek service, "Spirit Infusion" as we call it.  Its an amazing hour of pure worship topped off with communion.  Its a very cool time.

I came tonight in my new identity.  The one where I visualize myself stepping out of a phone booth and putting on my worship cape as I approach the the throne room of God. 

My personal theme this week has been identity.   Believing, embracing my call and viewing it through the eyes of Christ.  I believe with everything in me that NOW is the time for my ministry.  I have pressed through the fire, through the storm and have held my ground in the face of insurmountable obstacles.  So I have decided that I will act as if i have as much faith in me as God does.

I was excited about the service, yet when we started there was a small turnout.   It makes no difference to me if there are ten or ten thousand.  I eagerly approach the throne!  It was a slow start until I finally reached the place where I stopped and he started.  And then. Wow.  Seriously.  Just wow. 

I got the best compliment of my life from my Pastor after it was over.  He said,  "you didn't do anything tonight.  Not a single thing."  I smiled,  hugged him, and said, "Nope.  Not a thing.  I hope people always say that.  Matter of fact, I hope they say,  Barb didn't even show up tonight,  was she even here?"

That is how its supposed to be.  Less of me.  More of him.